I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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