I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
