My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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