Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
You smell like stripper and shame
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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