if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
