dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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