i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
