tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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