Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
