Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
