Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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