Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
