We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
