there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
