someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
