i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
