It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
