the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
