im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
