I showed him my bush... on skype.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
