Four minutes until I can fart!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
