My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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