I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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