he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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