I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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