Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
