I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
