Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I think people are normalizing furries
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
