dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
