God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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