So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Sober January is a disaster.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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