I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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