not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
