He told me they were just razor bumps!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
