Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
