Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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