you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
