I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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