I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
