It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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