yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
