MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
