im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
