Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
