I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
