Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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