dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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