I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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