Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
