Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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