Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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