Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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