My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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