so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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